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Suffer In Silence

What is this about?

Hey Guys,

I have been thinking about this blog all day at work today and decided that (with inspiration from R Kelly’s – Trapped in The Closet) I would like to talk about my life stories – in order. All of my blog posts will be based on true life events and real stories but the way I present them will be through poetic stories! Hope that you enjoy walking and reading through my miserable secrets whilst I was growing up…through this blog I believe I will be able to overcome and let go of a lot of secrets I’ve held in growing up.

Love SufferinSilence xx

Featured post

Pretty New

 

Hey Guys,

I’m pretty new to this. Basically, although I am described as being an extrovert, I have a lot of things in my mind which I can’t share out loud, so I’m going to use this blog as my diary basically…we’ll see where this goes. I will be completely anonymous because I have a reputation to keep and all my personal problems/things on my mind will be posted here. I hope I don’t offend anyone with any of the content that will be posted on this blog.

FOLLOW , LIKE AND SHARE!

Looking forward to seeing where this goes!

Featured post

‘Mum Kalvin Touched Me’

He said he can stay with me because he’s staying home to revise

If only mum knew my cousin was a devil in disguise

‘Mum please don’t leave me’

I try to tell her using just my eyes.

I run up to the window to see if she’s really out of sight

Mum i hate staying with him, I tell her from the inside of my mind

As she looks up from the car and we meet eyes

I feel him walk into the room and I know it’s about to begin

This disgusting game is one that only he can ever win.

I wish I could just suffocate

I know what’s about to happen as he closes the curtains and he says

‘I really want to masturbate’

Masturbate? I’m 5, don’t you have no shame?

He carries me to the sofa

‘We’re going to play our game’

I’m scared as he removes his belt, unzips his belt and bring himself to exposure

I tell myself to just do as he says , because that way it will quickly be over

‘Now do what I taught you with your hands’

He smiles as he opens my tiny palms and wraps it onto his skin

He starts pushing himself up and down, I’m just blankly staring at him.

It’s getting harder, I’m getting scared

It’s getting bigger, I weren’t prepared

If this is a game, why can’t my brother play it I ask

And as soon as I ask I start to regret it

‘This game stays between you and I’

I nod my head and I start to cry

He’s a 16 year old playing strange games with a child and I don’t know why

The game gets weirder and things go south

When he tells me that I must open my mouth

He’s meant to be my cousin, whats this about?

So now do you understand why I can never trust men?

He holds my little lips and releases his semen

It’s been going on for over a year, he might stop soon

On the clock , not big hands are on 12, it must be noon

Mum normally comes back when the big hands on three

She’s the only one that can rescue me

He plays with my flower and then I must play with his thing until he releases white

When mum works until morning, he abuses me all night

I don’t understand this game but I know it’s not right

4 year old me

‘Dad stop, you’re going to kill her’ i screamed as i looked down at my pregnant, helpless mother who was trying to slow down the pool of blood as it poured from in between her legs.

‘Please’ she tried to multitask as she begged my father to stop

‘Can everyone keep quiet!’ Dad screamed as he held his stare on my 6 year old brother who was the only one that didn’t scream. Didn’t cry. Didn’t flinch.

He wasn’t afraid of the tears coming from me, his 4 year old sister.

He wasn’t afraid of the blood that was pooling from mums’ inner thighs.

He didn’t fear the glare he was getting from my fathers eyes.

My brother was a real man. Nothing like my father obviously – the insecure coward.

I look up to my brother from this very moment. Just because he wasn’t of this beast I call ‘dad’.

‘Stop!’ the alcoholic scent instructed my tone to decrease as my father continued to scream at my mother.

Damn mum, now i definitely can’t tell you about Kalvin and the ‘games’ he plays with me

I can’t put you through more stress, you cry enough as it is already.

Letter to my Unborn

I think about you a lot more now that I haven’t got you

I had a choice and I chose to let you go

I couldn’t face it but now I wish I could face you

Hold your little hands

Feel your little feet grow inside me

My little angel , you’re coming back but just not yet

I wasn’t ready and you understand that don’t you ?

I had a choice and I chose what was best for me

I didn’t think about you

Now I’m paying. I’m hurting.

5 weeks was all I had with you but I still miss you

I think about you

I would say I believe in love at first sight

But I never saw you. What do you think of me?

I thought you were too small to have a brain

Too small to understand. Too small to feel

But you were big enough to have a heartbeat

I made that heartbeat stop. I had a choice.

I wonder what you would look like?

Would you have your mothers stubborn lips

Would you have your fathers dark skin?

Maybe your mothers lioness hair

With your fathers squinty glare?

Would you be talkative like your mother with your fathers pure heart ?

I want to tell you where life goes from here, but I don’t even know how your life starts.

You’ve changed my life in so many ways you don’t even have a clue

So I’m not going to cry or say goodbye because you came as a lesson

All I am going to say is I will see you soon….

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